


Death Wish

by Sicariluv



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 08:01:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1891389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sicariluv/pseuds/Sicariluv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Please make sure you read Companion first. Thanks!!</p><p>https://archiveofourown.org/works/1833823</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The limo provided by S.H.E.I.L.D. was a thank you for attending the event. Little did they know how the past has made me hate Limousine’s. Steve notices how tense I am. His jokes are awful, but it’s pleasing to know he cares. I rest my head on his shoulder. We have become very comfortable with one another. He reminds me of James. His voice, his actions, his humor, his smell all give me comfort in the memory of my love. Though he isn’t exactly like him, it’s simply that they were close.   
He squeezes my hand quickly and gives me the made for a hero smile.   
The personal appearances do pay well and The Captain and I together always got a good response. Rumor is that we are dating. I guess that’s what it looks like from an outside perspective.  
We arrive at the hotel and step of the limo. Steve lets go of my hand. Appearances are everything. He is wearing a charcoal colored suit with a navy blue tie. I am wearing a flowing white dress, with a scoop neck and spaghetti straps. Gold sandals top off the Grecian inspired look. My longer blonde hair is down and straight with light smoky eyes and a slight stain of red on my lips. I do my best to not look grumpy but I’ve become good at it, especially with the camera flashes. I get held behind Steve, but not for long. He doesn’t let me. He grabs my hand and pulls me inside.   
“You know your face won’t break.” He says  
“Yeah, yeah, if I smile.” I answer. The roll of my eyes probably gets caught in the flash of another camera.  
We enter the ball room that is decorated mostly in silver and black. I feel out of place. The room is huge and filled with people that have more money than should be allowed. I was sure we were there as trophies. That was fine. A couple more of these and I could own a home like Tony’s beach mansion.   
The host greats us and we are seated at a table towards the front of the room. Dinner is presented to us and we eat with multiple interruptions. The same questions. Picture, how much can you lift, and our favorite, can you fly? We are robotic with our instructed charming answers. Steve is so much better at it than I am. He can even produce a gleam in his eye where I have to blink back the roll.   
We near the end of our two hour time period and I see him. Or I think I see him. I keep myself calm. He is in a suit. His hair is combed and slicked back away from his face. I blink and shake my head. Then stop or Steve will notice.   
“I need to powder my nose.” I say to Steve excusing myself. He nods and smiles. I get up slowly. I’ve lost sight of him. My heart beats rapidly. Why is he here? I move across the room actually making my way to the restroom area but my eyes are darting everywhere. I am stopped for idle chit chat and I can put on no airs tonight. I break away using the excuse nature is calling. He has completely disappeared. Finally I have walked the whole length of the room and it hits me. I dart back to Steve. No interruptions this time. I sit casually but touch Steve’s arm.  
“We need to go.” I say  
He looks at me with concern. “Everything alright?”  
“James is here.” I answer  
“What?!” he is shocked and I see his eyes graze the room. “Are you sure?”  
“Yes.” I answer annoyed. “I wanted to be sure so I got up but I couldn’t find him.”  
“You got up to find him? By yourself? Are you insane.” Steve fusses  
“Yes. Okay but I didn’t see him. Now can we go? There’s only one…or two reasons why he would be here.”  
Steve knows. I don’t have to explain anymore to him. We excuse ourselves from the host and I swear I see him out of the corner of my eye again but I dare not to look again. If James knew that I knew he was there we would been dead by now.  
In the limo Steve directs the driver to take us to an address I didn’t know.   
“We’re going to switch cars and get a hotel somewhere.” He says  
I nod understanding.   
A quick trip to a 24 hour department store for clothes and we’re on our way. Two hours away. Steve is on his phone most of the time speaking with S.H.E.I.L.D. The Winter Soldier was on our trail and that was never a good path.  
We finally arrive at the hotel and find the room with one bed.   
“I requested two.” He said  
“I know.” I say softly.  
I change in the bathroom and wash my face. I brush my hair and it hits me. I’ve seen James. All the breath leaves my chest and I double over. I grab the sink for support and breathe in stale oxygen. I saw him and I ran from him. I should’ve found him, talked to him. He would remember me. I knew he would.  
A knock from Steve. He was so damn perceptive.   
“Sam?” He calls  
I open the door. There’s no need to hide my emotions from him.   
“I’m… okay.” I say. My chest is heaving. Some sort of panic attack was overwhelming me.  
Steve grabs my shoulders. “It’s okay.” He says  
I nod quickly but the air was tight in my chest. He pulls me out of the bathroom and drags me to the middle of the hotel room.  
“Relax.” He says soothing  
I nod sucking in a deep breath and letting it go. It feels better but I still feel heavy.   
“You could’ve gotten us killed. You see something like that again you have to tell me!” He says hands still on my shoulders  
I nod wide eyed at this reaction I’ve just had.  
“I need to know as partners!” He says  
“Okay.” I say out of patience.  
“And he was my friend.” He says. The emphasis he puts on friend makes my heart skip a beat. I never thought about his friendship with James just my own selfish love I had for him. I frown and look Steve in the eye.  
“I’m sorry I didn’t think.” I said  
He nods and lets me go. I pull in a long breath and release it slowly. Steve walks to the bed and throws one of the pillows in the floor. I laugh at him.  
“What are you doing?” I ask  
He goes to the closet and pulls a blanket out.   
“I’m sleeping in the floor.” He says  
“Don’t play Mr. Nice guy. You’re not sleeping in the floor. If you do, I do.”  
He large shoulders drop.  
“It’s not like we’ve never slept in the same bed before.”  
“That’s different. It wasn’t a hotel room.”  
Many nights I cried myself to sleep, some more recent than I’d like to admit. I’d jump into bed with Steve like a child during a thunderstorm. He’d willingly accept me tears and all. It wasn’t the easiest thing. Steve was nearly the size of a god. His pecs were as big as my breasts. His shoulders were huge that led to his narrow chiseled waist.   
We get in the bed. He lay on his back and immediately join him by resting my head on his chest. I leave my arms to myself but he wraps his around me and trails soothing circles across the skin on my arm.   
“You doing okay?” He asks  
“I think so. You?”   
He sighs. “I miss my friend. I can’t even tell you how it feels to have him back for a moment and then he’s taken away with the push of a button.”  
“I’m sorry.” I say  
“It’s not your fault.”  
“But it is. You went to get my sister back.”   
“Bucky did it himself. He felt like he had no choice.”  
“You say that like you think he did.”  
“I think the brainwashing for all those years made him more susceptible to it. Like as long as Pierce told him what to do, it was okay.”  
He was right. I remember the look in his eyes even when he wouldn’t look in mine. He was still so confused. For too many years he had been told what to do. He was accustomed to it and thought he was doing the right thing. It was my fault. He had no idea how much I loved him until it was too late.  
My sleep is not easy and I hate the thought that I make Steve’s sleep difficult. We finally awake with a knock at the door. Both of us wake up groaning. It’s too early. Steve musters out of bed and looks through the peephole. He turns to me giving me a once over then opens the door.   
“Morning guys.” A loud male voice says  
I toss my head back on the pillow. Steve tiredly makes his way back to the bed and sits down.  
“What no good morning from either of you?” It was Sam  
“It’s too early for that.” I groan  
Sam laughs.  
“Sam.” He says  
“Sam.” I respond “Never gets old does it?”  
“Nope.”  
Steve shakes his head.   
“Nice sleeping arrangements. No wonder you two are so tired.”   
I make a hand gesture that is an easy answer to his crude assumptions.   
“Such a lady.” Sam says  
He was new to S.H.E.I.L.D. but not as new as me. I was the rookie. His dark eyes caught you in a gaze and it was hard to look away. Chocolate skin with the cutest little gap that made you want his mouth on your body in places the sun didn’t shine.  
“Anything on Bucky?” Steve asks  
I notice Sam pause and it catches my attention. My eyes find his face serious.   
“He went to your apartment last night.” Sam says  
My mouth drops open.   
“You saw him?” Steve asks  
“S.H.E.I.L.D. knew he was there.” Sam answers  
Steve shakes his head. “What if he’s not trying to kill us?” he asks  
This thought hadn’t occurred to me before. What if he was reaching out for help?  
“He doesn’t remember you, either of you.” Sam says making more sense than the two of us.


	2. Trixter - Surrender

A month later things have calmed. There have been no sightings of the Winter Soldier. A huge part of me is disappointed. I want to see him. Of course I want more than that, but seeing him gave me hope. It gave me purpose.   
I leave a doctor appointment. Check ups are in order even for rookie superheroes.   
Crossing the street I hear a sound. I spin around. There he is. In full combat gear and face mask but I know it’s him. I’m so stricken by the sight of him I miss that he pulls out a stun gun. It connects with my arm. The jolt makes me fall to my knees. I growl with pain as I hit the pavement. He walks towards me menacing as ever. The pain shooting through my body is bearable enough that I stand before he reaches me.   
“James.” I shout.   
I see the hesitation. He grabs me and slams me on the concrete. As I fall I yank the connecting current out of my arm. He stomps on my back knocking the wind from my chest. I don’t even know how to fight him. This is James. We were lovers not fighters. I see him pull a gun. I spin and I kick out tripping him. I tackled him. He falls on his back.  
“Stop! You know who I am.” I yell  
He punches me. I am thrown backwards but I lock my legs around his waist and sit back up easily to face him. He throws another punch but I block it.   
“We were lovers.” I say desperate in a moment of breath. I’ve seen him fight and I know that hesitance when I see it. He knows he needs to get the upper hand again.   
“Just listen to me!” I plead  
“Shut up.” He growls and throws a connecting punch. I am thrown off him and slide a few feet across the pavement. I jump up and he is on me wrapping his hand around my throat. I punch him and he can’t get a good grip. He lifts me slowly. My oxygen is being cut off. I slam my elbow down and his grasp loosens. My feet hit the ground and I see Sam flying towards us is the distance. He has a gun drawn and I just make out his hand squeezing the trigger. I spin the soldier around and take the hit. It pushes my body into his. I grab him for support. The pain sears through my back. I see the soldier’s eyes. They are wide. He is shocked by what has just happened. He freezes but I still hold on to him.   
“Remember.” I beg him. “Remember. I love you.” I say.  
Sam fly’s to us and kicks the soldier from my hands. He grabs my arm and pulls me into the air with him. My eyes are lock with the Soldiers even as he pulls out another gun and aims it. Sam darts to the side and whirs ahead faster. My eyes never leave his until I can’t see him anymore. He didn’t fire again. That was a good sign wasn’t it?  
Sam drops me on a nearby rooftop.   
“You crazy bitch!” He says  
“Are you insane?” I shout back at him.  
“Me?” He asks incredulously. “He was going to kill you.”  
“Take me back down there.” I insist  
“You’re suicidal!” Sam accuses  
“He’ll know me!”   
He laughs. “He knows he wants to kill you.”  
I growl in frustration and head towards the door that leads from the roof. A thought occurs to me and I spin around on him. I walk closer to him.   
“How did you know where to find me?” I ask  
“You had a doctor appointment.” He answers too quickly.  
“No! How did you know that I was being attacked by HIM?” I am so angry I’m shaking. The adrenaline pumping through my skin is making my ears pound.  
Sam stares at me. He doesn’t have a good answer.   
“Son of a bitch. They’ve known where he is this entire time.” I say  
I am so angry and so hurt by the employer I trusted. Though I should know better than to trust anyone by now.  
“Does Steve know?” I ask angrily  
Sam shakes his head. I laugh at this craziness. I scream at the sky above. When I throw my arms up I am reminded of the pain from the gun shot. My shoulders drop.  
“You need to know that I don’t give a shit about living if I’m away from him. I love him and he loved me and he is Steve’s best friend!”  
“You need a doctor.” Sam says  
I am fuming and the adrenaline is keeping the pain away.   
“Who told you where to find him?” I ask  
“Let me take you to a doctor.”   
“Who told you?” I insist.  
Sam sighs. “Tony is keeping an eye on him. He put a tracker in him.”  
“You’re kidding me?”   
I turn away from him heading towards the door. I’ve almost reached the handle when I hear Sam yell for me to stop. I start to turn around to him and the door burst open nearly off its hinges. James hurtles through the door and tackles me to the ground. We roll and he is on top of me. He pulls out a knife and stabs it towards my throat. I barely block it when Sam pushes him off of me. Sam grabs me again and we fly off the roof. It is then that I feel a stabbing pain in my leg and Sam jerks backwards. I look down. There is a cord with hooks dug deep into my skin. The cord is connected to the soldier. He yanks on the cord and my skin is being ripped from my body. Sam is pulling. He doesn’t realize what’s happening.  
“Sam stop!” I yell  
He hears me but surely thinks I’m suicidal again. Meanwhile the skin is agonizingly tearing. Another yank and I scream in pain. Sam see’s it then. He flies back to the rooftop and sets up both down. I rip the khakis I’m wearing starting at the hole caused by the hooks. I start to pull them out and the soldier yanks again. Another scream erupts from my throat. I am angry now. I’ve had enough. I stand and charge the soldier. We fumble fighting one another. I know there is a hesitance there. He knows me. He just doesn’t know why. He finds the cord in his hands and pulls a third time. Grunting in pain I fall to my knees in front of him. He wraps his hands around my throat. My brain goes back to the night I met him. On my knees in front of him begging to do whatever he wanted, just don’t let Pierce’s goons hurt me. I feel the pressure cutting off my air. I grab him by the belt and pull him closer. His telltale eyes are shocked. As his grip weakens Sam grabs him and pulls him away. Neither of us let go. His hands are still on my throat. As we soar through the air I force my arm to cling on to his holding me up higher. Some air fills my lungs.   
Sam sets us back down and I see them tumble as I am left coughing. My throat is sore. It feels like it’s collapsed. Sam grabs me and we’re flying away from the soldier when he jumps and grabs my legs. Sam’s altitude drops. We are high above traffic.   
“I can’t hold the both of you.” Sam shouts.  
As if on cue I feel the soldiers grip loosen. I grab his arm. If he falls he’ll probably die. He looks at me confused. I hold on to Sam with one arm and the soldier with the other.  
‘You have to let go of him.” Sam shouts.  
“No!” I scream  
He tries to fly back to the rooftop but can’t make it. Our bodies are too heavy.  
“Drop down Sam!” I yell at him  
Where the soldier is holding on to my pants rips.   
“James!’ I scream  
I am just barely able to grab his hand but the blood from my leg is on him. It’s slippery.  
“Hold on.” I beg “Please!”  
Trying to grip him tighter doesn’t seem to work. His eyes are scared but I still see the mission plastered across his face.   
Sam has finally decided to fly towards the ground but just as he does the soldier loses his grip.  
“No!” I scream. I see the terror in his face. I’m not sure if it’s the loss of a mission or that he is plummeting. I watch terrified as he hits the blacktop. He lays still.  
“Take me down!” I shriek at Sam. I don’t know if it was coherent but we are getting closer to the soldier as the blood pools around his head. We are twenty feet from the ground and I let go. Pain shoots through my legs but I don’t care, I’d rather him try to kill me than to see him in this state.  
I scramble to him but I am afraid to touch him. He is not moving but the blood is still flowing. I curse and curse again. I hear Sam reluctantly calling for help. Seeing the soldier, James not moving is the worst thing I could see in my life.


	3. Ed Sheeran - Give me Love 3

****Not my favorite chapter but I feel it's kinda needed for some things that will be taking place.

We are in a private hospital waiting. Steve is pacing and I am doing my best to ignore the pain from the stitches I have received. Sam is looking at us both like we have lost our minds. I think we have.

The doctor comes out and I jump to my feet.

"I'll just be straight forward with this." He says. "He's in a coma. It's a waiting game."

"So we just wait? No other doctors to call? Nothing we just wait?" I ask. I don't mean to be rude but it is.

The doctor crosses his arms. "There's no one else to call about a Super Heroes health." He says sternly

I hear Sam snort surely at the Super hero comment.

"Thank you." Steve says. I look at him. Thank you for what? What did he do? Nothing! James still lays still and could lay that way forever.

"Can we see him?" I ask

"Of course." The doctor answers

We walk slower than I'd like to his room.

He is pale with too much equipment hooked to him. I felt like all the breath had been taken from me. I stare in shock as Steve stands by his side. The stress on Steve's face put pain in my heart. He sits in the chair next to the bed. I hate seeing the look on his face. I'm so used to him being the one holding it together. He rests his head in his hands. I turn and see Sam looking at me with the same "have you lost your mind" stare. I have. I bolt from the room and I run. I don't pay attention to anything I just run. Life has been cruel to me all of these years and I've had enough.

Time has passed but I'm not sure how much but I am sure I've busted the stitches in my leg. The forest that I have wound up in is quiet tonight. I lay on my back and stare at the sky. Even the stars are gone tonight. They don't want anything to do with me either. I close my eyes and pass out.

I awake with my phone buzzing in my pocket. I pick it out and see it is Steve.

"Hello." I say

"Christ Sam! Are you okay?" He asks

"Yes" I answer

"Where the hell are you?"

I look around. "I don't know."

"Sam!"

"I'm sorry Steve." I say and start to cry.

"l'll come and get you. Tell me where you are." He insists

I sit up and look around. It's not a lie I don't know where I am.

"I'm in the woods. I'll be home soon. I'll figure it out." I say

I hang up promising to call him soon. I jog my way following the moon.

Eventually I find my way to the city. I know where I am. It's a long rainy walk. I feel empty and bare. My soul feels like it has been ripped to shreds. How many awful things can happen to a person before they feel like giving up? I didn't want to give up though. I just needed things to stop. I had enough of the hardships of life. Enough of being taken advantage of and enough of being beaten down through the years.

I enter the apartment and Steve is there pulling me into a bear hug.

"You're crazy. You know that?" He says stepping back.

I nod. "I'm sorry."

I head for the showers and I cry letting it all wash down the drain with the leaves that were stuck in my hair. The stitches have come loose but not entirely. I'll tend to it later.

I pull on a pair of cotton pajama pants and a tank top and head for my room. I stop when I see Steve watching television. He turns to look at me and I don't know what I am doing. I walk to him and he is watching me.

I stop next to him and all I can think about is needing comfort. I grab the remote and turn the television off. He is sitting there in his own PJs. Gray sweatpants and a white tank top. His muscles seem to call to me. I climb in his lap and straddle his hips. His face is full of questions and I don't have the answers. I place my hand behind his neck and pull myself towards his lips. I kiss him and he doesn't return the kiss. I move back and frown.

"What are you doing?" He asks

I slide forward in his lap and move my hands to his chest.

"Be nice to me." I say

He is confused. I kiss him again. I feel his body relax and his lips push against mine. He moves back abruptly.

"No! This is not a good idea." He says sternly

My shoulders drop. He is right. I feel embarrassed. My hands meet my face covering it.

"Sam, Bucky is my best friend." He says

I shake my head clearing the invasive thoughts.

"I just wanted….I don't know what I wanted." I say and stand. I walk quickly away from him, hearing him call my name. I make my way to my room with tears spilling over my cheeks. I climb in bed and sink under the covers hoping to hide away from this horrible day I've had.

There is a knock at my bedroom door. I don't answer.

"I'm coming in whether you answer me or not." Steve says.

He opens the door and enters.

I turn over and face him. He joins me on the twin bed and lays his head across my stomach. He plays with the lining on the blanket. I run my fingers through his hair and watch as he closes his eyes.

"Don't think that every part of my body doesn't want to have you." He says

I bite my lip and his eyes meet mine.

"You're my friend." Steve is kind with his words

"I know." I say "There's not much comfort I know from men besides sex. Aside from James of course."

Steve catches on easily. He sits up on his elbows.

"You were going to use me?" He mocks

I giggle. "No….Yes."

His head falls. "I feel so dirty." He exclaims. I ruffle the hairs on his head. We laugh. James was lucky to have a friend like him. There weren't a lot of men in the world that would turn down sex. I respected Steve more for it and lost a small amount of respect for myself.

"How is he?" I asked inhaling sharply.

Steve looks sad. "Stable."

I run my fingers across his chin. "You're going to get your bff back." I say trying to make light of this situation.

He nods. "I hope so."

He stands. "Get some rest." He is sincere

"You too." I answer

He smiles and leaves the room.

I allow my tears to put me to sleep.


	4. Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You 4

I finally tear myself from bed. All of me that wanted to see James didn't want to see him. I shower and change and find a note from Steve in the kitchen. He has gone to the hospital.

After rummaging through the kitchen I realize I am stalling. I pull myself together and head to the hospital.

I fight back tears the entire ride there. It's been so long since I've seen him or touched him and this is how it turns out. I thought it would be different. I thought he would recognize me instantly. Hug me, embrace me, and tear down the walls to make love to me.

I run my fingers through my still damp hair. I'm overdue for a haircut.

In the room Steve is reading a magazine by his friend's bedside. I stand in the doorway with all the breath taken from me. I hate seeing James this way. I like him lively, smiling, touching me, and taking me from this miserable life. Steve doesn't say anything. My head falls. I'm still standing in the doorway scared to take another step. It would mean the reality of the situation. He may never wake up. The only person I ever needed lay there eyes closed, basically dead to the world. It's then I see that he is strapped in. I know why, but if he wakes up. I step into the room and move to his side inspecting the magnetic binds.

"He is going to be pissed when he wakes." I say

"It's Safer for everyone this way." Steve says.

My eyes meet his. I feel anger building up but I keep it under control.

"He won't be brainwashed when he wakes up." I say

Steve chuckles. "Are you sure? Tony figured out how to disable his arm. It doesn't work for now."

"Steve! You let them do this to him?" I ask unable to keep my reactions calm.

He sighs. "Yes. I did. It's what is best for him and for us."

I understand I am processing it but I don't want it for him. He's not an animal. He is James.

I shake my head and walk out. Steve follows me.

"I have some things to take care of. Are you going to be here for a while?" He asks

I nod.

"Don't go running off again. I don't want to worry about you and him. You got me?"

"Yes Steve. I'm sorry." I answer

He hugs me and we part ways.

I sigh and turn back to the room. I sit in the chair next to his bed and stare at him. I touch his hand which is warm and wish for a response. It doesn't come. I remember him not responding to me the day we got my sister back and this feels the same. I've lost him twice. I put my head down in my arms on the side of the bed and cry. I hate all these tears but they come easily. I've waited for him for so long. For my entire life this was who I was waiting for and he has so easily been taken from me. But I would wait for him again. And I would do it again if I needed to. For him.


	5. Skid Row - I'll Remember You 5

Waiting for a while is exactly what I did. My days were spent at the hospital my nights at home. There was no change for a long time. He had lost weight. I lost weight. I was in trouble with S.H.E.I.L.D. for not getting my injections I needed. I didn't want to leave him. When he woke up I wanted to be there. On a Friday two weeks after I was scheduled for injections Natasha walks into the room followed by Steve.

"Let's go." She said. She is angry with me.

I put the crossword aside and stare at her angry eyes.

"Go where?" I ask

"Doctor Appointment." She answers.

"I'm sorry I'm not going to any appointments right now." I say

"If you don't go voluntarily we'll take you by force." She says "And you won't be able to fight us because you're dumbass is overdue for treatment."

I look from her to Steve. He sighs but he nods in agreement with her.

Natasha takes me to the place where she took me the first time. It seems like forever ago. I am ushered quickly to the back room. The doctor see's me and shakes his head.

"Ms. Monroe if you don't keep up on your injections you may reject them in the future." He says

I shrug "I was busy."

"Waiting for sleeping beauty to wake up." Natasha says

I shoot her an angry look but turn my attention to the doctor.

"Natasha I would like to speak with my patient alone." The doctor says

She nods and leaves the doctor and I alone.

"How are you feeling?" He asks

"Fine"

"Fine?"

"Yes."

"No depression? Anxiety?"

"Of course I'm depressed my boyfriend is in a coma." What a stupid question. I have no patience for this.

"These are questions I need to know the answer to. You may need other treatment."

"Can we just get on with it? I want to get back." I ask

He nods and pulls the tray close to us. I stand and remove my pants then get back on the table. I look away as the needles go in and out. Even though I had been shot and stabbed with hooks I still couldn't handle a little doctor administered needle.

"You need exercise." The doctor says to me.

I sigh. "Okay."

"You must exercise." He says again

"I get it." I answer

"And food. You need to eat to fuel your body."

"Yes, yes I understand." I am impatient. I've heard enough I just want to get back to James.

"We will force you." He says and jabs another needle in.

I turn and look at him shocked.

"You are S.H.E.I.L.D.'s now." He says

I have never seen a menacing look from this man before but I see it today. He put two more shots in my legs and I jump from the table. I fumble with my jeans and shoes.

"Thanks." I say quickly and leave the room. My fast pace alarms Natasha and she jumps from her chair.

"What's wrong?" She asks

I purse my lips together. What do I say to her? Do I tell her what he just said? Would she say I was imagining things? Does she know? Did I overreact to a concerned Physician?

"Nothing…I just want to get back." I say.

She doesn't believe me but doesn't say anything.

Back at the hospital I all but run to James' room and for good reason. There is much commotion coming from the room. I step in and halt in the doorway. He is awake and angry. Angry wasn't a strong enough word. He was fuming, nearly foaming at the mouth. He was up from the bed, his human arm swinging in front of him. The metal arm still attached to the bed and his body. He sees me when I enter.

"You!" He screams infuriated. He lunges for me dragging the bed and all behind him. I step out of the doorway. Nurses are begging him to calm down. I am afraid for them.

I step back in the doorway. "Get out!" I order them. He lunges again but the bed is stopped on an object. None of them move they just stare at me. "Get out!" I scream.

They scramble while they have the chance. I am in a stare down with the soldier. Misery and anger are flowing through my veins.

"You're still brainwashed?" I say out loud to him or myself or whoever wanted to listen.

"Brainwashed? I have a mission to complete." He snarls

I hold my hands up. "What if I can convince you otherwise?"

He cocks his head to the side.

"Not too long ago we were together. Friends, lovers." I try to smile but it won't come.

"I only remember wanting to kill you." He says vehemently

The words sting more than I'd like for them too.

"Ouch." I say. I sit down in the chair next to the door. I don't want him to think I am attacking him. I needed him to be calm to remember. What was I going to do to get James back?

"I'm sorry about your arm. It wasn't my idea." I say

He lunges again. I see him shaking. He's not strong enough for this but all he knows is that he needs to complete his mission. I stand from the chair.

"Just give me some time." I beg inching closer to him. His eyes are inquisitive. "I think you'll remember if you allow some time to pass."

I move closer and closer. He is within arm's reach.

"Just…" I hold my hands up. "Just…trust me." I plead. I grab the magnetic brace that's holding him down and yank with all I have in me. It slides free. I toss it on the bed and look at him. Those untrusting eyes of his searches me for answers. He pushes me against the bed with his hand around my throat. I grab him arm and fall back on the bed. Men in heavy gear enter the room. An extreme sense of Déjà vu enters my brain. I knee my poor James in the groin weakening him and turn him around so I am standing in front of him.

"We need more time." I say to the men. "Leave us."

"Ms. Monroe, he's a danger to you and the entire hospital."  
"He's fine. Leave us." I demand

The men leave and I shut the door with a heavy sigh. I turn to the handsome frazzled creature behind me.

"What's wrong with you?" The soldier asks eyeing me

I laugh. If only he knew.

"You took a bullet for me and now you're insisting they leave. You're suicidal." He accuses

I nearly laugh thinking of Sam's accusations.

"I love you." I say with a shrug. "Give me a few days to convince you that we were lovers. If I'm not able to prove it to you then you can kill me."

His eyes move away from me.

"They don't know you're here. If you go back they can't punish you for being in a coma."

There is a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" I asked with aggravation

"It's Steve." The voice answers.

I open the door with my back to the soldier. Steve's face is full of questions.

"He doesn't remember." I say with sadness.

Steve shoulders drop. I step aside and let him enter the room. I look at James his nostrils are flaring with the attempt to control his anger.

"Were you supposed to kill him too?" I ask

He nods.

"Well this is your best friend. Bucky this is Steve." I say

Steve is so out of sorts over this. His forehead pinches together.

"Bucky?" The soldier asks

"You're name is James Buchanan Barnes." I answer

"Bucky is your nickname. Been calling you that as long as I can remember." Steve says with an unsure smile.

I see James searching in through his memories but he is not coming up with answers.

I move to the closet in the room to look for James' clothing. They are there. I hand them to him.

"You want to get dressed? We'll leave you." I say. He responds with a nod and Steve and I step out of the room.

"Has he tried to hurt you?" Steve asks

"Of course he has." I answer.

Steve sighs. I pace the hallway. James opens the door and Steve and I stop and stare like he's a baby taking his first steps. He glances at us but turns back in the room and sits on the bed. We follow him inside.

"How am I supposed to do anything with my arm not working?" He gestures to his lap.

Steve is concerned but I have to stifle a giggle to which only brings anger from James.

"I'm sorry." I say "I told him it was a bad idea."

"I can help you…." Steve begins.

"I had no idea the two of you had that kind of relationship." I interrupt him. I walk to the soldier and stand in front of him.

"Hop up." I say

He stands and I see by his slow movements he is weak.

"Steve find the doctor." I say to him.

My eyes meet the soldier's. Dammit I wished he remembered me. I wanted to do the opposite of what I was doing.

"We'll get you some sweat pants." I say and grasp his zipper. I pull it up and meet his eyes. I fasten the buttons on the black cargo pants and take a step back. A breath I had been holding escapes my lips.

"You could fix my arm." James says angrily.

"It wouldn't do you much good right now anyway. You're too weak to fight me." I say

He moves his eyes away and Steve is back with the doctor. He does a quick examination of James and says he will have to stay the night again. I ask Steve to bring James sweatpants and settle in for the night. We didn't talk as much as I would've liked. It was hard to come up with a decent conversation when I was fighting back tears the entire time. He watched television but I was sure it was only so he didn't have to talk to me.


	6. Lita Ford - Kiss Me Deadly

Natasha showed up in the morning to take me for training exercises. I didn’t want to leave James, but knew I had to. The conversation with the doctor the day prior stung my thoughts. I worked hard trying to impress whoever was watching. I checked my phone more than I should have but halfway through my training day I got my answer as to why there were no updates on James. He and Steve entered the training facility early in the afternoon. I immediately stopped what I was doing and stared. He was there. He was actually there and in my life again. Natasha hits me in the jaw. Light flashes and I fall to the floor.   
“Pay attention!” She shouts and walks away.  
Our sparring match is over. I blink heavily and slowly stand. Steve and James are by my side before I finish shaking the clouds from my head. I am still stunned by James presence. He is dressed in a white tee shirt and his black cargo pants.   
“You’re terrible at that.” He says  
I squint thinking about the man that he was. I was surprised to hear him say something like that.  
“Are you okay?” Steve asks  
I throw off my gloves and touch my cheek. I nod.  
“They let you out?” I ask James  
He answers with a nod. I am concerned by the reply.  
“He’s staying with us. If you don’t mind?” Steve asks  
My heart nearly jumps from my chest. I take a quick breath to calm myself down.  
“Yeah sure…that’s fine.” I answer trying to be cool as possible.  
“Why don’t you shower and meet us back home? We’ll get dinner.” Steve says  
I nod and meet James’ eyes. There is still so much hostility in them I try to keep myself calm. Steve sighs and puts his hands in his pocket. He is aware of the tension. We promise to see each other later and part ways.  
I join them back at the apartment. I walk in hair still wet from my shower. Steve stops me. I pull my jacket off and hang it in the closet. This leaves me in blue jeans and white fitted T.   
“You want the good news or the bad news.” Steve asks  
“Where’s James?” I ask my mind racing.  
“He’s in the living room but…”   
I stop him. “The good news.”  
“He thinks you’re beautiful.” He says  
A smile spreads across my face. There was no way to hide it.  
“And the bad news?” Steve pauses placing his hands on his hips. “He thinks even beautiful girls deserve to die.”  
My hearts sinks. This isn’t fair. Why wasn’t he coming around?  
I push passed Steve and have to walk through the living room to go to my room. I pause seeing the soldier relaxed on the couch. Again he meets my eyes. I take a deep breath wanting to curse him, to yell at him, to get through to him. His dead stare hurts me to the core. I tear away from him and slam the door to my room. I pace and flop my body down on my bed. I had no idea what I was going to do. His hostility towards me makes me angry and it’s hard to talk to him when I’m angry.   
I hear a knock on the door and find that I have been sleeping. I sit up groggily. Another knock and James voice calls my name. His voice saying my name sends chills through my body. I stand and run my fingers through my hair making my sleepy way to the door. I open it and he stands there assessing me. I probably look like hell, not in the mood to care.  
“Steve wanted me to let you know dinner is ready.” He says  
I want to fall into him. I want him to hold me for just a little while. Who was I kidding? I wanted James to hold me forever.  
“I’ll be right there.” I say softly  
He pauses like he wants to say something then turns away. Curse words flash like a neon sign through my brain.   
I eat dinner in complete silence. James and Steve talk like they’ve been friends forever. They have been friends forever, but James doesn’t know that. He is so cold to me and shares his joy with Steve. I am not hungry anymore. I excuse myself and put my plate away. They stare at me with questioning eyes. I don’t say anything just make my way back to my room. I get ready for bed and lie down. I can’t keep up with the thoughts. I do my best to turn them off but after a few hours and hearing Steve go to his room. I decide to join him. Maybe his comfort will ease my nerves. I quietly tip toe to his room and open the door. His light is off I know he is asleep or close to it. I move to his bed quietly and slide in on the right side of the bed. I move close to him and whisper his name. He stirs and I snuggle up to him. It is when I place my hand on his chest and snuggle the crook in his neck I realize it’s not Steve. I jump back but he holds me.  
“James?” I ask  
“Yes.” He says.  
“What are you doing in here?” I ask knowing it’s a stupid question as soon as it leaves my mouth. He lets me sit up.  
“What are you doing in here?” James asks accusing. “I thought we were lovers not you and Steve.”  
“We’re not….” I am still taken by surprise.  
“Doesn’t seem like it.”  
“Steve comforts me.” It doesn’t sound right coming from my mouth but I knew it was right. We were friends it wasn’t a big deal.  
“Really? So you weren’t coming in here to have sex.” James asks  
“No! It’s not like that with me and him.”  
“You two seem very close.”   
It’s hard to see him in the dark. I like to see his expressions this is how I read him. I start to get up but he pulls me to him again. I am a mix of emotions. He pulls me with one arm into his lap. My long Tee shirt rides up exposing my thighs and they brush against his. My loins are on fire. My head is spinning. He pulls me against him and his breath touches the skin on my neck.  
I place my hands on his chest. “Stop.” I say trying to breathe.   
“Is that what you really want?” He asks  
I don’t like the tone of his voice. He is frightening me. His hand moves to the small of my back and pulls me tighter. I push away but not with as much strength as I really have. A part of me wants him so bad it hurts. A part of me knows we are not in the same relationship we had before. His hand finds it way under my nightgown and I know this is not James. This is the Soldier’s way. His hands are too heavy, too urgent with their movement, too much like he wants to take advantage of me.   
“You know me.” I say through gritted teeth. “You know what has happened to me. Now stop!” My words are forceful and final. He listens and relaxes. He moves his hands away.   
“No, I don’t know.” He says.  
My shoulders sink. “I don’t understand. Don’t you remember me at all?”   
“No. Nothing.” He answers.  
Tears fall and he lets me stand and leave the room. I shut the door behind me. I place my hand on the knob to my room and can’t make it anymore. My knees meet the ground and I cry. Steve is there before I know it with his arms around me.   
“What happened?” He asks  
“I thought you were in your room.” I answer through tears  
“No. I’m sorry.”  
I grab on to him tighter. “I thought he was going to rape me.” I said  
He lets go but holds tight to my shoulders.  
“Did he hurt you?” He asks  
“No…no. He doesn’t know what I’ve been through. He doesn’t remember.” I am filled with sobs again.   
Steve pulls me up and we sleep in my room as we have done many nights before.


	7. Firehouse - Dream

I leave in the morning before either of them are up. I can't face James. Not right now. I'm the first one at the gym and am there most of the day. My muscles respond quickly and are built back up quickly. I decide to do some shopping and head out to the local mall. I let myself wander trying to clear my head. He was never going to remember me. How was I going to get him back? Did they erase everything from his mind from the last couple of months? I need him to know who I am. I need him to know that I love him and he returns that love. I need him to know.

I head back to the apartment they are both there. Steve awkwardly leaves the room as I enter. I poor a glass of juice and sit at the kitchen table with my head in my hands. James is there with me within a couple of minutes. I glance at him but find it hard to return his gaze.

"I'm sorry about last night." He says

I nearly choke on my drink. "What are you sorry for?" I ask with a slight cough.

"I wasn't planning on hurting you." He says "Not last night anyway."

"What did Steve tell you?" I ask

"About?"

"About me."

"Nothing."

"Oh really you're just apologizing all on your own?"

"He told me some things happened to you before. And that your two share a connection…that I am the connection."

"Some things?"

"That you were abused. That I went too far. I agree and I'm sorry for that. It's not that easy to turn away a woman like you."

I meet his eyes.

"Like me?" I ask

I see his eyes change to vulnerable. This is the James that I know and love. The one that doesn't want to hurt me.

"A woman as attractive as you." He clarifies

A small victory makes my heart swell.

"Thank you." I say softly and finish my juice. He is uncomfortable now I can see. He moves his eyes from mine and then back to them again. The corner of his mouth turns giving an apologetic half smile. He is still not who I want him to be or his arms would be around me. I return the smile and he leaves the room.

Being borderline exhausted I retire to my room. Shortly thereafter there is a knock at my door.

"It's open." I call

Steve enters grinning.

"How are you feeling?" He asks

"Good." I answer

"He apologized?" Steve asks. He's so hopeful.

"Yes."

"He means it. Bucky was always great with women. I don't remember seeing one turn him down."

"That's no excuse Steve."

"Oh! I know." He says holding his hands up. "He asks a lot of questions about you. The curiosity speaks for itself."

"Get out of my room." I say playfully though I like that he asks questions.

"We're going to watch a movie. Join us if you want." He says

I nod. "Yeah I'll think about it."

He hesitates. "Is there something I can do for you? Like to get you two together?" He asks

I laugh. "No." And then I think of Tony's beach mansion. It's where we fell in love or we were already in love. We just needed the time alone together.

"A vacation." I say with a laugh shaking my head.

"I'll get right on it." Steve says

I laugh again and he leaves the room. We had the best time together alone getting to know each other. I never got over his touch and how he made me feel. How my skin felt so alive with each caress. He never knew how my body and mind were reacting on the inside and I hoped to get to tell him someday.

I showered and headed out to see what movie they were watching. It was a comedy I had seen years ago. I watched them stare at the screen and laugh together. That still made me feel good even knowing he may never share that laughter with me. Steve needed Bucky as much as I needed James. I hated the thought of tearing the two apart.

James turned and looked over his shoulder. I don't know what the look meant but I was troubled either way. It was either the eyes of a assassin or of a man that wanted to ravish me. My knees slightly weakened. I tore away my eyes and moves slowly back to my room. That unsettling look bothered me until I found myself asleep in bed.


	8. chapter 8+

“Come on, time to get up.” I hear Steve’s voice. He nudges my leg.  
“Come on sleepy head let’s go.” He urges again  
I open my eyes and slowly turn over.   
“Where are we going?” I mumble. It’s too early to move much less talk.  
He sits on the bed.   
“Vacation.” He says  
I open my tired eyes. “Vacation?”  
I asked him for a vacation last night. I sit up.  
“Steve?” I asked surprised  
“Yes pack your things. You slept forever. Bathing suits, shorts, flip flops…pack it we’re going to Tony’s beach house.”  
“Are you shitting me?” I ask. I can’t believe what I’m hearing.  
“No. Come on. Get moving! We have two hours.”  
“Who’s going?”   
“Me, you, Bucky, Sam, Tony and Pepper may join us.”   
“Did you do this for me?” I am still astonished  
“Of course.” He answers with a smile.   
I sit up and hug him as hard as I can. “You’re an angel!” I say.  
I see James walk by and I lessen my grip on Steve. I pull back and sit on my knees smiling.   
“Well hurry up! Move it!.” Steve says  
I jump from the bed and open drawers not even knowing where to start. I throw more than I need in a suitcase and head for the shower.   
We leave close to on time but it was no one in particulars fault. I felt extremely left out of the men’s conversation during our ride to the airport and on the plane. It was Tony’s private jet. Seeing It reminded me to ask him for another favor. I messaged him on my phone and sat back quietly on the plane. I was still left out. Still listened to them chatter. More Steve than James. His interest made me smile though. James was introduced to Sam on the plane and that was tense. Neither of them was happy about being genial. I found myself drifting to dark places. Where James would never come around, where we would never find the connection we once shared. I thought our love was too powerful. I was wrong.   
The landing was smooth and we were taken by a taxi van to our destination. I watch James as we pull in the driveway. His interest is peaked but nothing looks as though he remembers where we are. My excitement is diminished with the realization. The men nearly jump over me getting out of the car. I hear them speaking of jet skis, surfing, and parasailing. And I just want James. As I enter behind all of them I am struck by a heartache that nearly sinks me to the ground. I stop and pretend like my shoe is untied. I take several deep breaths as I untie and tie my shoe. Steve being the first one inside jogs out and picks up the bag I set on the ground. He is a gentleman and takes it inside for me. I stand reminding myself to breath and enter the house. They are arguing over the rooms. I join them.   
“I want the room downstairs.” Sam says  
“I wanted that one.” Steve says  
“Isn’t there two.” Sam asks  
James is quiet he doesn’t know what to argue over.   
“James is getting the room downstairs to the right and the room to the left is Pepper and Tony’s. I’ll be upstairs.” I set them straight, grab my bag, and follow the steps to the room I spent an angry night in. James needed to be in that room. That was our room. He needs to remember what we shared. Maybe it would nudge his memory.  
After I was settled in I headed back downstairs. I followed the sound of laughter and through the sliding glass doors I could see they were seated on the deck. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I was the only female and I felt nothing but left out at the moment. I shake the thoughts away and find wine in the kitchen. While pouring a full glass James walks in the kitchen with me. I am still struck by him each time I see him.   
“Want some wine.” I ask after clearing the lump from my throat.   
He shakes his head. He seats himself at the bar. I can see he is deep in thought but I don’t know what is going on in his head and not sure if I wanted to. I still felt as if he was the man I loved but only in body. In his head he still wanted to kill me. His eyes meet mine and I fumble with the cork for the wine.   
“Why did you want me to take that room?” He asks  
My head buzzes. “Did you remember something?” I ask excitedly.  
He shakes his head. My shoulders drop.   
“It feels familiar though.” He says  
I hesitate but he needs to know. “We shared that room. We made love for the first time in that room.”  
His eyes meet mine. “Come in there with me.” He says  
A rock builds in my stomach. I find I’m biting my bottom lip.   
“Okay.” I say. My voice is small. He stands and I make my way around the island wine in hand. I take a sip. He walks ahead of me and I follow him to the room. My breath is steadily becoming heavier but I do my best to keep it even. He steps in the room and I enter behind him. My eyes are stinging with the threat of tears. I don’t know if I can do this. He sighs and takes my hand. I am shocked and I freeze I want to snatch my hand away but I wasn’t sure why.   
“You’re shaking.” He says  
I nod and take a sip of wine. His words are scribed in my brain “I think I’m in love with you.” Maybe he never was and that’s why he didn’t remember. There’s no comfort from his hand. His hand is so rigid in mine. Maybe it just feels that way or maybe that truly how we are now. Familiar strangers. I pull away and step out of the room.   
“Sam.” He calls and follows me. I turn around.  
“Believe it or not I want to remember.” He says. His blue eyes are sad and I remember so much of that in him.   
“I worry about your intentions.” I say with more venom than I meant.   
He huffs. “Steve has told me about us. He told me we were in love. He said he had never seen two people that loved and wanted to protect each other more.”  
“Well it’s not that way now is it?” The anger that has built up inside is hard to contain, but I’m not angry at him. I’m angry at life. I turn and walk away knowing he’s not going to fight. He has nothing to fight for. Me? I’m no one to him. A stranger. Not a stranger, someone he was ordered to kill and probably still has those intentions. I pour more wine in the kitchen and hurry up to my room. There were no tears and this surprised me.   
I spent my afternoon wandering the beach by myself. It was the perfect temperature outside and the breeze wasn’t too harsh. There were no good thoughts in my head. Nothing to keep me light hearted. My spirits were low to none. This life was still so cruel. James was back in my life but he wasn’t truly there. He wasn’t where I needed him.   
When I got back to the house Tony and Pepper were there. The first thing I noticed was James’ metal arm was moving. Tony had received my message and fulfilled my wish.   
“Sam it’s so great to see you.” Pepper exclaims and pulls me into her sisterly hug. I would never forget how kind she had been to me.   
“Everything ok?” She asks me softly so the others wouldn’t here.  
I nod but she’s knows it’s not. My weary is written all over my face.   
“We’re going to dinner. You coming with us?” Tony asks  
My eyes dart to James. Our last dinner invitation left us making love for the first time. He smiles at me but I think he is just happy his arm is working again.   
“Yeah I just need to wash up first.” I answer  
I head to my room and shower quickly washing the sand from my feet and legs. I change into a white sundress that fell above my knees. I throw on a light sweater and sandals and toss the sides of my hair back in a ponytail. I grab my clutch and find everyone waiting in the living room.   
“Ready.” I announce with as fake of a smile as I could muster.  
We take a cab to a restaurant that’s only a few blocks away. It doubles as a club and people were packed on the dance floor. We’re seated far away from everyone’s watchful eyes though I was sure we weren’t the only public figures in the room. I am quiet through dinner listening to everyone. Steve tries to break me out of my silence through teasing and humor. I break a smile but nothing more. Sam finishes dinner and joins the ladies on the dance floor. James asks me to dance but I feel like he’s only doing it to break me from this pity party. I decline. Steve sits next to me. Tony and Pepper enjoy their own conversation.   
“There’s too much going on in your head.” Steve says.   
I push my lips together and smile for him. I nod slowly. My eyes travel to the dance floor and see James dancing with a brunette. My heart shatters.  
“How much do you think I can drink before I get drunk?” I ask  
“Our bodies don’t allow us to get drunk.” Steve answers.  
“Have you ever tried?” I ask  
“No.” He says shaking his head smiling.   
I think it’s worth the effort, I stand and walk to the bar and order a shot and another and three to take with me, and tell the bartender to make sure to send the waitress our way.   
Half an hour later I do feel it but I’m not drunk. I find a cute blonde with curly hair on the dance floor and I dance with him. He told me he was a model and I told him I was a superhero. He grabs me and I grab him grinding against each other. We find our way to the bar and I need to feel it more. I order more shots. He drinks with me but not as much as I am. I lost count after twenty shots. I find my way to Steve tugging the blonde behind me. I flop next to him at the table.  
“Steve, why am I drunk?” I nearly wail  
He almost laughs but I see that he is concerned.  
“You’ve drunk enough to get a horse wasted.” He answers  
“Ugh!” I exclaim putting my forehead in my hand.  
“Maybe you should get some fresh air.” The blonde says  
I sit up and look at him like he the next best Albert Einstein.   
“Yes fresh air!” I stand and pull him behind me.   
The air pushed by a breeze from the ocean hits me as soon as we step outside. He pulls me close to him and kisses me. It feels good to have a man’s arms wrapped around me. I push him away from the people gathered around. Smokers and people saying their goodnights for the evening. We round the corner and there is a bench. I sit and pull him down with me. I run my fingers through his curls and pull him to meet my lips. His hand is on my knee and his tongue is exploring my mouth. There’s a huge part of me that wants the affection and another part that knows he’s a stranger. He’s a good kisser and it would be fun to do this for a while. His hand on my knee travels further. Everything screams that I want him to touch me but not here out in the open. I put my hand over his to stop him. He kisses my neck, nibbles my ears, and seems to know the perfect place to press his lips. He kisses me again and his hand pushes mine away. I pull back.  
“I don’t want to do this out here.” I protest  
He kisses me and his hand is under my dress. I push him away and stand up.   
“No!” I shout and stumble backwards. The alcohol is no longer fun.   
“Come on.” He says standing up and coming closer. “I just want to have a good time.”  
My mouth opens to speak but he is knocked over before I can say anything.   
“Don’t touch her!” James yells and punches him in his pretty face.   
I am surprised to see him. “James!” I shout. He looks at me with my mouth hung open. He hits him again knocking him out and walks over to me.   
“Are you okay?” He asks  
I nod. I am taken aback. “I’m going back to the house.” I say and turn away.   
“Wait I’ll join you, just let me tell the others.”   
I nod but have no intention of waiting. He jogs into the restaurant and I take off running the other way. I run to the beach with my head pounding and tripping several times over my own clumsy feet. What was happening to me? Why was I drunk? Especially this drunk. I stop as I see the waves and my stomach churns. I expel my dinner and a lot of alcohol. I make my way to the breaking waves and kneel in the wet sand. All I wanted to do was feel a little warm. I’m a super hero I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t be this drunk. My body should be repairing itself. There’s no way a man should’ve gotten the best of me like that. And James coming out of nowhere to rescue me. What was happening?  
I hear someone yell my name. I stand up and see James running towards me. My shoulders drop and I run. I just want to be alone. He calls after me and catches up to me. Of course it was because I was drunk wasn’t it? He stands in front of me and stops me.  
“Sam what is going on?” He asks  
“I want to be alone.” I say and burst into tears.   
“But you don’t have to be alone.” He says and takes my arm pulling me close to him. I snatch it away and run again. He keeps his pace beside me.   
We’re near the house and I stop running.   
“Just leave me alone.” I shout and push at his chest. He didn’t move.   
“Why didn’t you move?” I ask   
“You didn’t push me very hard.” He says with a shrug.  
“I pushed you with everything I have in me.” I shout and run tripping up the steps to the deck. Everything hurts. I curse and James is there next to me.   
“There’s something wrong with me.” I cry  
“You’re drunk.” James answers  
“I’m not supposed to be drunk!” I yell. He reaches for my hand and I snatch it out of his reach.   
I stand with pain shooting through my scraped legs.   
“Sam, are you okay?” I hear Steve’s voice.  
I turn. He must have followed us from the beach.  
“No Steve I’m not.” I shout  
I’m trying to calm down but nothing is working. I’m angry at everything. I’m angry at everyone.   
“This is bull shit!” I scream and kick over a stand holding a potted flower. It falls but I wanted it to soar through the air. James wraps his arms around me holding me still.  
“You’ve got to calm down.” He says  
I try to break free from him but I can’t. I can’t.   
“Fine, do whatever you want.” I sob.  
Steve moves to us and takes me from James. He puts his arms around me and holds me like I should allow a friend.  
“If you don’t calm down I’m throwing you in the pool.” He says.  
I was supposed to laugh. It was supposed to be a tease between friends but it made me angrier to think that he would take advantage of me right now. I push at him and he holds me.   
“That’s it.” James says  
As Steve holds me I watch as James takes off his slacks and pulls his tee shirt off. He is still breathtakingly beautiful.   
“In the pool.” James says  
Steve lets me go and James drags me over the edge of the pool. The water is freezing this time of night. I shriek when I come up for air but James’ arms are around me.   
“Calm down or I’m going to dunk you.” He says  
I wriggle in his arms and he pulls me under with him. It was only a matter of seconds but I wasn’t prepared. He pulls me up and I am sputtering and coughing.   
“I warned you.” He laughs.  
“You’re an asshole.” I choke out the words followed by another coughing fit.  
He still holds on to me with his warm body pressed to mine.   
“You got this?” Steve asks   
“She’ll calm down.” James answers  
“I won’t.” I shout pushing my arms through his. He still grips me by the waist but my arms are free. Steve walks inside.  
“Steve!” I shout.  
He shuts the sliding glass door smiling.   
“Jerk.” I mumble.  
James laughs. I won’t look him in the eye but I’ve calmed down. He holds me steady and I relax. I am in his arms. What I would have given a few days ago to be in this position.   
“You…are not wearing a bra.” He says.  
I follow his gaze to my chest and you can see everything through the wet white material of the dress.   
I grab his face as hard as I can and snatch it up to meet my eyes then let him go.  
“I’m sorry.” He says and laughs   
“It’s not funny!”   
“I know..” He lets me go and takes a step back. “ I know I’m sorry. You have no idea how beautiful I think you are. I messed up my first mission. I couldn’t believe Pierce wanted me to kill someone as beautiful as you. He wasn’t happy. I don’t mess up very often.”  
My brain is processing all of this. He could’ve killed me the first time he saw me but he chose not to. I move closer to him.   
“Did he punish you for it?” I ask finding his blue eyes  
He looks away. “Of course. You know how he is.” He spits out the words. I see him swallow. His eyes lock with mine. Tears spill over my cheeks as I remember the kind man that was used for Pierce’s dirty work.  
“I miss you so much.” I cry.  
I see tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry.” He says. It seems to be spoken sincerely. I stare at him, wanting to kiss him and to hold him. He was only the vessel of the man I loved. I turn away and climb from the pool. I make my way to the shed that holds towels. I keep my back to James and pull off my dress. I wrap a towel around me and sit on one of the lounge chairs facing him. He watches me and I meet his eyes. He swims to the side of the pool closest to me.   
“Come back in with me?” He asks  
I shake my head and shiver. “It’s too cold.”   
He gets out of the pool and I longingly watch as he strides to the same shed. His boxer briefs cling to his everything. I find my mouth has opened and I close it again. He sits on a lounge chair next to me facing me. His hair is plastered to his forehead. I watch him wipe it out of his eyes.   
“Pierce wants me to keep my hair long to keep my anonymity.” He confesses  
“You don’t like it?” I ask  
He frowns. “I don’t hate it. I’m thinking about cutting it off though since I’m away from him.”  
“I think it’s sexy.” I admit. I lean forward and smooth it out for him.   
He smiles and I remember it’s one I would die for.   
The sliding glass door opens and Tony steps out onto the deck.  
“I’m not going to catch you two in my hot tub again, am I?” He asks  
I laugh and laugh harder at the confusion on James face. I shake my head.   
“No and thank you for the favor.” I say  
“We’re all lucky we’re not dead yet.” Tony says “Pepper and I are heading out. Me casa su casa”  
Pepper steps out and I stand to hug her. She embraces me.  
“Anything you need just call, ok?” She says  
I nod. “Thank you again.”  
“You’re welcome.” She says sincerely. “And feel free to use the hot tub.” She whispers.   
I laugh again and she leaves. I see Tony and James saying their goodbyes. The three of them walk in the house. I pick my dress up and hang it over the railing to dry for the night. I pause feeling overwhelmed by a wave of dizziness. The alcohol was still affecting me. I frown and head inside. I pull a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and start to walk up to my room. The door to James’ room opens and he stands in the doorway.   
“I want to show you something.” He says  
I keep myself from laughing. “I bet you do.” I say  
He rolls his eyes but he steps aside and I enter the room. He shuts the door behind me and I notice he’s changed into pajama bottoms. No shirt of course. I take a long gulp of water.  
“What did you want to show me?” I ask  
“Nothing I just wanted you to come in here.” He says  
“James.” I plead.  
He smiles. “It just feels right. I mean…” He sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t even know who I am.”  
I grab his hand and give it a squeeze. He surprised me and pulls me to him.   
“You asked Tony to fix my arm didn’t you?” He asks me.   
I am distracted by the pressure he has on my lower back. He bites his lower lip and smiles. I search his eyes. I was wrong he was still the man I loved just full of different memories.  
“Yes.” I breathe.  
He touches me with his human hand grasping the side of my face in his hand. I close my eyes and lean into his touch. I feel the coolness of his metal arm graze my other cheek. I open my eyes and find a smile spreads through me.   
“Thank you.” James says “I can button my own pants now.” He laughs and I giggle with him.  
“Stay with me tonight.” He pleads.  
I step back and shake my head. “I can’t” I say  
His smile disappears. “Why?”  
Tears threaten my lids. “Cause if you don’t make love to me….it’ll take me over the edge.” I say and I burst.   
He pulls me into him holding me. “I can’t do that.” He says.  
“I know.” I say trying to breathe. I push him away. “I’ve got to go….just let me go.”  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t think you should be alone.” His eyes are pleading.   
I shake my head and step away.   
“We don’t have to do anything.” He says  
A smile spreads across my lips. “Yessss we do.” I answer and walk away shutting the door behind me.  
I wake in the morning feeling like hell and head for the shower. As I strip from my clothes I notice my skin is softer. There isn’t much muscle definition. I curse out loud spinning around seeing my entire body is not what it once was. I keep myself calm while I’m showering. Getting excited wouldn’t help the horrendous hangover. My head pounds and my stomach churns. Leaning against the cold tile seems to provide some relief but standing feels like agony. I shower slowly but try to pull myself together. I shouldn’t even have a hangover. Should I call the doctor? Should I call Natasha and ask what she would do? What if they don’t let me get shots anymore? What if this was rejection? I dress as quickly as my pounding head allows. I am to go swimming with the men today but I am not sure if my aching head and body will let me. I sit on my bed and rub my temples. Things just go from bad to worse for me. The only thing I had going for me was being Steve’s partner and now I was rejecting the serum. I could literally ask what else could go wrong and there would be nothing to add. The knock on the door breaks me from my thoughts. I stand and slowly and open the door. I see Steve’s cheerful face and I do not return the smile. He is wearing a Tee shirt and swim trunks.  
“Damn woman you look like hell!” He says  
“Thanks.” I mumble and gingerly lay across the bed. “You know I’m not a morning person.”  
“It’s 1:30 dear.” He says  
I curse and lay my head down on the bed. “I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not supposed to get drunk and I’m not supposed to feel like hell…ever.”   
Steve shakes his head slowly. I can see his has many thoughts in his head but he doesn’t say anything.   
“I can’t say I’m not concerned.” He finally says  
I place a frustrated hand over my forehead. I feel him touch my hand for friendly support.   
“Come downstairs. Let’s get you hydrated.” He says   
I sit up slowly and follow him down stairs.   
“In all reality you should have gotten alcohol poisoning with all that you drank so you can feel good about that.”   
He turns his head in my direction and offers a smile. I return it with a roll of my eyes. When we enter the kitchen he orders me to sit while he prepares a very late light breakfast for me.   
He sets a plate and juice and water in front of me. I eat slowly but it’s good and it feels good.   
“You need to call our doctor.” He says with a concerned smile. I take a bite of food and chew slowly before nodding.   
“Sam and I are going to leave tomorrow.” Steve says   
“Why?” I ask mouth full of food.  
“You and Bucky need some time alone together. You deserve it.”   
I want to be excited but I am held back from this emotion.   
“I’m still afraid of him.” I admit  
Steve’s eyes become sad. “I’m sorry all of this is happening to you.”  
“I’m even more afraid of him now that my strength is going away.”  
“I’ll stay. I don’t have to go.”  
I am lost. I want my best friend here with me, but I want the opportunity to win back my love’s affections. My headache elevates with the stress of this situation.  
“I just don’t know Steve.” I say shaking my head  
He takes my hand and squeezes it just as Sam and James enter from the deck. They are being boisterous men and it hurts my brain. I groan and hold my head in my hand.  
“Did you take a shot? Hair of the dog that bit you will make you feel better.” Sam says  
“Oh God.” I groan. “I’d puke”  
They laugh. Steve sits back smiling. James is standing in the open doorway smiling. I still see so much in his eyes that I don’t trust. They are all wearing their swim trunks and I wonder if they’ve been in the water already or were waiting for me.   
“Have you guys been swimming?” I ask and take a small bite of breakfast.  
“We couldn’t wait all day for you. Steve just came in to see if you were still alive.” Sam says. He sits down at the table and James joins him   
“How do you feel this morning?” James asks. His concern surprises me but it probably shouldn’t.  
“Like hell.” I answer. He leans forward and presses his elbows on the table.  
“What are you going to do?” Sam asks  
“Call the doctor.”  
“Will you quit if it’s rejection?”   
My head buzzes with his questions. I hadn’t given it much thought, but the last thing I wanted was to quit. Knowing I was doing some good in this world made it easier for me to put my worn out head on the pillow at night.   
“No I won’t quit. I’ll train. You’re doing it.” I answer  
“But I have my wings.” Sam says  
I shrug. “So I’ll be as strong as I possibly can be. I’ll train. I’ll be disciplined.” I do my best Natasha impression at the end of my sentence.  
“You can’t” Steve says “There’s no way I would send you out in harm’s way like that. I’m sure SHIELD will hire you as a desk agent.”  
“A secretary? No way. I’m a freaking super hero and I’ll do the same things I’ve always done.”   
“You’ll be slower. You’ll get in the way.” Steve says.  
I want to be angry at him but he doesn’t say it as a jab.  
“So let me get this straight, you’re going to head in to battle with no weapon, no healing properties, and no super strength?” Sam asks  
“Yes. I can do it.” I say becoming frustrated.  
Sam laughs. “Okay, okay I got it. I’m Falcon right?” He points to Steve. “Captain America, Winter Soldier, Black Widow and now we have you….what’s your name? Oh I got it! Death Wish! That’s your superhero name.” He says and busts out laughing. I look at Steve and James. Steve is smiling but James face is serious. I want them to help defend me but what was I going to say? Everything he said was true. I had shown him several times I had nothing to live for. I took a bullet for a man trying to kill me and I would do it again.   
“I kind of like it.” I say with a grin. “Death Wish.” I nod my head in agreement.  
Sam’s laughter dies down. “You weren’t supposed to like it.”  
After ingesting plenty of ibuprofen and drinking as much water as possible I join them at the beach. I don’t stay in the water long. The motion of the waves makes my stomach turn but I am doing my best to enjoy the day with my friends. I watch them attempt to surf while I sunbathe on the beach. I try to keep my thoughts positive but I think about Sam’s words and know I really am doing better than someone else in this situation. They would’ve had a true death wish. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live. I simply wanted a life that wasn’t so difficult and I wanted James.   
I see him leave the others and head in from the water. Nothing was sexier than the man coming out of the water, dripping, and the wet hair swinging as he walked. He sets his surfboard down and sits next to me.   
“Are you tired?” I ask  
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “No, there’s better view on the beach than in the water.”  
I look around for a minute and then catch his eyes. He is looking at me. I know he has an attraction to me but I know it’s just that, a physical attraction. I could have that with anyone but that’s not what I want from him. He takes his leash off and lies on his back next to me.   
“Sam’s talking about leaving.” James says. “Steve is undecided.”  
I nod and look at him. I stare at him longer than I mean to.   
“What?” James asks  
“I’m scared of you.” I admit  
“It’s good that you are.”  
I frown and he smiles.  
“It’s smart that’s all. Right now I want you too bad to kill you.”  
“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”  
“You would understand if you were a brainwashed assassin.”  
I frown again and turn over on my stomach. I can’t pull my eyes away from him. It hurts too bad lying like this next to him. We’re strangers not lovers.   
“Did you put sunscreen on?” He asks  
“No.” I answer and hide a laugh in my arms.  
“You can burn now. I can help you out with that. Rub you down head to toe. Cause you know, that’s what friends do for each other.”   
“When did you become such a douche?” I say and laugh but he was right. I should put sunscreen on. “I’ll go see if I can find some.”  
He stands and follows me inside the house. I am aware he is following me. Probably watching me. I look back at him and he smiles. It created pain in my heart. He wasn’t smiling because he loved me. He was smiling because he was trying to get in my pants, or the hot pink bikini I was wearing. I go in the closest bathroom and look in the cabinets. A huge part of me wants to tease him. It’s always nice to feel attractive. I don’t want to lead him on though. I open the medicine cabinet and find some sunscreen. I hand it to him. I wasn’t sure who this would be more difficult for him or me. He enters the room and I turn my back to him. He stands behind me and I see him and he sees me in the mirror. This would be difficult.   
He takes the lotion and puts it in his hand. He moves behind me and his body is lightly touching mine as he reaches around and starts with my forearms. I smile. He had plans. He runs his hand up and down my arm and I have to remember to breath. For the other arm he leans over and has to push himself into me just a little more. I clear my throat to stifle a gasp. I can’t watch him touching me anymore. It was driving me crazy.   
“You okay?” He asks. It forces me to look up at him and over my shoulder.  
“Yeah I’m okay.” I say softly.   
He wraps his hands around my belly and pulls me backwards into him. I can’t help but laugh until he puts more lotion on his hands and begins rubbing into my tummy. Allowing his hand to go as low as possible and softly pulls me into him. I feel him against me.   
“James.” I say in my best attempt at a protest.   
He pulls me tight. His whole body is against mine. Skin on skin.   
“Kiss me.” He says.  
I open my mouth to say something, to say anything but nothing comes out.   
“Kiss me.” He says with more force. The growl in his voice is felt in my loins. My legs are weak. The blood in my body is only pumping in one central area. I can’t think. I take a deep shaking breath and pull away from him. I leave him behind and feel like I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. He doesn’t call after me or follow me. This almost disappoints me but it wasn’t my goal. I head to my room and jump in the shower. A very cold shower.


	9. chapter 9

I exit the shower and I change in to shorts a T-shirt and my favorite sweatshirt. I sulk on the bed pondering over what my next move should be. Should I stay with my soldier or should I call the doctor and surely be forced to head home? These questions plagued my mind until I heard voices downstairs. Curiosity overcame me. The voices seemed jovial. I made my way to the living room where I found Natasha in the living room. The men were greeting her excitedly and telling her stories of the happenings so far. Including my getting drunk. She looks at me with stern eyes.  
“How did you get drunk?” She asked  
I shake my head and shrug my shoulders.  
“Your serum isn’t working.”   
I am not sure if it’s a statement or a question.  
“Didn’t I tell you, you would have to keep up with them?” She scolds.  
I find my eyes moving away from her.  
“What have you done?” She says and walks by me. She enters the room across from James’. I want to tell her that’s Tony and Peppers room but I don’t think she’d care. I realize she’s staying with us based on the suitcase she rolls behind her.   
Steve turns to me. “We’re ordering in tonight. Would you like something?”  
I touch my still tender stomach. “If you’re willing to share I’ll just nibble on what you’re having.”   
He nods and proceeds to get everyone’s food order. James and Sam head to shower and I sit outside. There is so much heaviness about me it makes my movements slow. My hand rakes through my hair too many times. Stress fills me to the bone. How much more can go wrong before something is made right?  
Minutes pass and I am joined by James whose eyes find mine. I want to stand and head inside. It was becoming more and more difficult to be around him without him loving me. I look away from him and frown. He stretches out on a patio chair. Natasha joins us and sits on a chair closest to him. I am mentally questioning her actions. Why so close? Why not next to me? This is someone who tried to kill her friends. What exactly was she doing? Sam joins us with an ice bucket full of bottled beer. He offers me one and I quickly decline. Steve isn’t far behind him and he sits in the same stretched out chair as I am. He forces me over making me laugh at his playful rudeness. He informs me the food would be here soon. I see Natasha and James are in their own quiet conversation. I am jealous. I want his attention but I push it away every time I’m given the opportunity. She welcomes it. I can only blame myself. The doorbell rings and Steve leaves me. I am silent and the small group of friends are laughing. I leave them in search of the calming sounds of the ocean. I sit cross legged in the sand. The sun is fading fast. I hear laughter from James. I want to be the person who makes that feeling come from him. I once was. My fingers are running through the sand when I hear my friends voice.  
“Is it really that bad you can’t stand to be around me?” Steve asks  
I chuckle and shake my head. He joins me sitting in the sand. He gently bumps my shoulder with his causing a smile to form on my lips.  
“Please join your friends.” I plead with him.  
“You’re my friend.” He says.  
“Steve.” I say and roll my eyes.  
“There’s so much heaviness in your heart Sam. Anyone can look at you and see it”  
I meet his eyes. “There’s only so much a person can take before they’re consumed by it. Sometimes I’m so tired of living in this world. I feel like instead of time healing my wounds it opens them.” I look away from him and take a shaky breath. When I realize I’ve said more than I’d like I force a fake smile and look him in the eye. He wraps his arm around me and pulls me close to him. My cheek rests against his chest.  
“I will always be there for you Sam. Don’t you ever forget that.” He says sternly  
I smile and allow myself to lean into him. “Thank you.” I say.  
Soon I am feeling the soft movement of his hand gently caressing my arm. The steady beating of his heart is in one ear and the gentle crashing of the waves are in the other. I fall asleep quickly and feel him shaking me to wake me.  
“Come on Sam. Let’s get you to bed.” He says  
I quickly apologize to him and lean on him for support as we make our way to the deck. The three are still talking and laughing. My arm is still linked through Steve’s.   
I clear my throat. “Rough night. I’m going to bed. Good night guys.” I say. James’ eyes do seem concerned. So do Sam’s but Natasha’s look mad and it angers me to see her that way. I keep myself from rolling my eyes at her and I head inside. Steve follows me. He walks me to my room and takes my hand.  
“I’m worried about you.” He says piercing me with his blue eyes.   
“I’m okay.” I say but it’s barely above a whisper and I almost feel as if I choke on the words. Steve squeezes my hand.   
“He’s not everything you know.” He says  
I search his eyes and nod “I know.”  
I grab Steve in a tight hug. I want to end this conversation.   
“Goodnight Steve.” I say and pull away. He smiles with his mouth crooked and his eyebrow cocked.   
“Sweet dreams kid.” He says.  
I enter the room and pass out on the bed.  
I am awakened by the feeling I am being watched and I am.  
“What the….James?!” I exclaim  
I jump from the bed on the opposite side that he is standing. He could be there to kill me. He stands there and I wonder if he is sleep walking. I turn the light on from the nightstand. His hair is tousled and he wears a black tank and gray pajama bottoms. He is enticing as ever.   
“I’m sorry.” He finally says. He slurs his words. Is it sleep?  
“Are you drunk?” I ask  
“I was dreaming about you and I came up here as quick as I could.”   
“Uh huh.”   
He moves quickly to me and I am taken aback by how fast he is. He stands inches from me.   
“Sam you….” He sighs. His blue eyes are wide and frantic. “You touched me like no one else.”  
He moves his hand and I flinch. He frowns and brings his hand back down to his side.   
“Will you please touch me?” He asks  
I hesitate with my answer.  
“No.” I force it out.   
“Please Sam, touch me like I’m told you did at the bunker. The touch that made me fall in love with you.”  
There are tears in his eyes and my own match his. I stare at him for a minute. Thoughts of our past run through my mind. Our first meeting and my realization that they abuse him. That he knew nothing of a gentle touch. I was the only one who had treated him like a human in years and this is what he was asking of me now. My shaking hands find his and I twine my fingers through his. His lips turn up and he gives me a half second of a smile. He lets the air out of his lungs. My left hand makes it way up his metal arm and I touch his shoulder. He smiles.  
“You treat the metal as if it’s me.” He says  
I meet his eyes. “It is you.”   
He looks away from me and I can see his tongue press against his cheek. I touch his face turning him to look back into my eyes.   
“What did you dream?” I ask  
“We made love.” He laughs “We never stopped laughing, it was like I had never seen you before. I told you I loved you and we never stopped smiling.”  
My hand moves to his shoulder and I grip the tank top in my hand. I hold tears back and press my forehead to his chest. I let go of his hand and wrap my arms around him. He hesitates in confusion but returns the tight embrace. I want to sob. I want to laugh.   
“What?” He asks   
I move back and suck in a huge breath and let it go.   
“Where did we make love?” I ask  
“In the room downstairs.” He answer  
The beating heart feels as if it bursts.  
“That wasn’t a dream, it was a memory.”   
He face contorts to confusion and then elation. He smiles. I touch his face gently, he closes his eyes and he leans into the touch. I hold back everything in me. I remember him allowing me to touch him. My heart ached for him. He had been treated so poorly.   
“I was so happy…not just physically, but all of me. Making love to you I felt as if every part of me was about to burst.”   
I smile and bury my face in his chest wrapping my arms around him. His comforting scent engulfs my senses. My breathing increases and again I’m faced with wanting him to make love to me. My heart begins to pound. He touches the back of my hair and kisses the top of my head. I back away from him then completely letting go of him.   
“What’s wrong? I’m sorry.” He says and I see the confusion in his eyes.   
“You don’t know anything about me.” I say.  
He shakes his head and waits for me to continue. The tears are there again which means I’m about to lose my sanity. I growl in frustration. I wrap my arms around myself and realize if I would let him he would do it for me. I cut my eyes to him and he is still perplexed. I begin to pace.  
“Sam what is going on?” He asks  
“We had our first argument when I told you things about me. You don’t love that part of me.” I push the words through my lips.  
“I’m a murderer.” He said the words slowly and gestures to himself and then throws his hands out in a moment of desperation.   
I shake my head.   
“I don’t know anything about you Sam. The minute I try you lose it and get mad at me. Then push me away.”  
“You’ve not been the nicest person.”  
“I think I’ve been pretty damn nice for someone that’s been trained and told to murder you. What do you want from me? So far you’ve been sad and distant. If I was going to fall in love with you how could I? You’re sad all the time. You won’t even let yourself be happy or find any enjoyment out of life. Completely sabotaging everything you do. You’re even sunburned from the beach.”  
I push him with everything I have in me.   
“You’re a douchebag that’s only been trying to get in my pants. What the hell am I supposed to think of that? You’re not James!” I shout  
“No I’m not. I’m a fucking soldier!” He shouts back  
“You’re James.” I say. It’s what I want more than anything in the world for him to remember who he really is.   
“I’m not James, I’m not Bucky I’m not whoever the hell you guys want me to be I’m a soldier. The Winter Soldier. Right? A fucking killing machine.” He says with a roll of his eyes.  
“Well Winter Soldier.” I fake salute him. “Nice to meet you. I’m Death Wish now get the fuck out of my room.”  
His hands are on his hips as he shakes his head then leaves the room. I grab my phone and call the doctors office making the call I knew I would regret cause I knew I would be leaving when I made it. I left a short message explaining my situation and hung up. I lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling until the sun comes up.   
It’s around 5am when I step out of the shower. My head hurts from stress and leftover alcohol. I’m stressed and starving. I head downstairs and stop dead in my tracks when I hear James’ door open. Natasha exits the room wearing a T shirt that is clearly not hers. I cover my mouth to keep any sound from coming out. A curse or a sob would escape and wake everyone up. I want to scream I want to yell. I want to pound on his door and let him have a piece of my mind and a taste of my fist. I sit down on my spot at the top of the stairs and calm myself. It could be nothing. I tell myself I am overreacting. I put my head in my hands and breathe in deeply. James had left me and this other person took his place. I was going to leave whether the doctors wanted me to or not. With my stomach in knots I made my way back to my room and packed my clothes.   
I hear shuffling outside my door and a light knock. I move to the door and open it. Steve stands there tousled hair and sleepy eyed.  
“What are you doing?” He asks  
He rubs his eyes. My shoulders drop. Tears well up but I wont cry.  
“I can’t stay.” I answer and let out a huge breath.  
“What?” Steve shakes his head. I step out of the way as he enters the room without being invited. I don’t mind, it’s my best friend. He sits on the bed.  
“What happened?” He asks  
I don’t want to tell him.  
“We’re not getting along. He’s not the same person.” I answer  
Steve nods. “Neither are you. You’re harder.”  
“Steve!”  
“It’s true.”  
I sigh. He was right.  
“It doesn’t matter. I have to figure out what going on with my serum. I left a message with the doctor.” Steve nods. I pause deciding if I should mention to him what I witnessed. “Natasha came from James’ room wearing his T-shirt.”  
Steve’s eyes widen and his looks away from me. He shakes his head. He hands go to his hips and he is angry.   
“I’m sorry.” He finally says.  
I pull in a breath through my nostrils and nod.  
“You know they could’ve been talking” He says though I’m not sure which one of us he is trying to convince.  
“I know.” I say quietly.  
He reaches his hand out and I take his is mine. It is smooth and rough and strong and comforting. He squeezes it reassuring me that things will be ok.   
“Let’s go to bed.” He says.  
“I’m ready to leave.”  
He chuckles. “This early? Seriously, no come on.”  
I sigh. “Steve.” I plead  
“How many nights did you wake me up?”  
“That was different. I needed you. You’re very comforting.” I say with a smile. He takes the compliment with pride and returns the smile.  
“I need you.” He says.  
I pout but agree. “I’m not sleepy.”  
He laughs. We wind up in his room as there weren’t clothes all over his bed. He turns the light out and I pull off the jeans and bra I was wearing. I join him in bed and he quickly cuddles me making his large frame cover my entire body with his weight. I choke out a laugh and it’s good to hear him respond with a laugh. He adjusts his body so his isn’t squishing me. I play with his hair until he falls asleep. I lied. I was sleepy. I drifted quickly.   
Steve wakes me in the morning as he is getting out of bed. I dress slowly while he is in the shower. The sunburn James so rightly pointed out was a nuisance but wasn’t unbearably painful. I head downstairs and find James in the kitchen. I am hesitant but I don’t mean to show any display of emotion. I pull it together and find juice in the fridge.   
“Good morning.” James says.  
“No it’s not.” I answer and try to keep myself from looking at him.   
James snorts. “What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“Is Natasha up yet I’ll ask her how her morning is?”   
His eyes are questioning and angry. He doesn’t want to admit anything to me but he doesn’t know what I know either.   
I pour the glass of juice and head out to the deck. My head still has a slight ache from the previous day. It needed a lot of recovery. I sit and try to cool off. I’m trying not to make any rash decisions. I want to leave. This place was supposed to be happy. It was supposed to clear the air, make everything better and make this life worth living.   
The door to the deck is thrust open. James steps out leaving the door ajar.   
“What the hell is wrong with you?” He demands  
“You slept with Natasha!” I stand and yell.  
His face turns from anger to shock and back to anger.  
“So what if I did? Really? What do you care?”   
“I care that’s the fucking problem!”  
“You care about someone from before. Not me! You certainly don’t act like it now!”  
We are yelling at each other attracting attention.   
“I’ve always cared about you! Soldier, James, Steve’s friend Bucky. I care! You just don’t know it. You wouldn’t know it if it hit you in the face!”  
“Me really? I could go right back to the goddam conversation I had with you last night. I went to you vulnerable, with a memory and you shoved it right back down inside. You ruined it!”  
“I ruined what you thought was your chance. I am so sorry I ruined that for you but Natasha took care of you instead.”  
“You’re an idiot.” He words spit out like venom.  
“You’re an asshole!”  
“I’ve tried and tried and get nothing from you. Nothing! Maybe I need a push in the right direction. Maybe I need to know who that person was that wanted to take care of me so badly. Where is she?”  
My shoulders drop. Tears are streaming down my face. “Gone.”  
I whisper and storm into the house. We have drawn a crowd of anxious faces. I push through them and run up the stairs two at a time. I slam the door to my room and pack quickly. Steve comes in.   
“You could knock!” I say directing my anger towards him.  
“Come on Sam. Don’t go, not like this.” He said brushing my words off.  
“I am not staying here.”   
“If you leave you’ll never rekindle anything with Bucky.”  
“He’s not Bucky! He’s not James. He said it. He’s the soldier. He’s no one to us.”   
My words hurt my heart and I sink on to the bed. Steve joins me and hugs me.   
“I’m sorry.” Steve says  
I know he is. I know he wants everything back to the way it should be but it’s not.   
I let out a sigh and Steve stands.  
“Don’t leave yet. I’ll be back.” He orders  
“Yes captain.” I say forcing a smile. He smiles and exits. I gather my things together packing them sloppily in the suitcase and bag. He is in the living room where I left everyone. He and Natasha are in the middle of a heated argument.  
“You don’t know everything.” She angrily says to Steve.  
“There’s not much to know besides Sam and Bucky were in love.” Steve says  
“Not now! That’s the past.” She says back  
I set my bags down by the door and listen to them argue.   
“You can’t do that to them. He doesn’t remember how much he loved her.”  
“Maybe he loved me first!” Her words make the whole room go silent. My mouth drops open and my heart falls to my stomach. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was all very new. Why didn’t she mention this before? She was pushing me to be there for him and now it all changed.  
I grab everything and storm out the front door. I felt stupid, ridiculed, and ignorant. When had all this happened? Months? Years? Decades? I curse as I sit on the wooden bench in front of the house. I search through my phone and find a cab company. I call them and give them the address and the airport as my destination.   
The door opens and I hope that it’s Steve. I was not in the mood for a confrontation. My friend steps out and joins me on the bench.  
“Where are you going?” Steve asks  
I try to joke but my voice and face are still filled with anger.  
“I haven’t decided yet. Home, Europe, a hotel, maybe Asgard.”   
My phone rings and I don’t recognize the number but I answer it.   
“Mrs. Monroe?” the voice asks  
“This is Dr. Miller. I have been informed that you may be rejecting the serum.”  
“Uhhh yeah something’s going on.” I answer   
“We need you to come in right away.”  
“I’m not in town.”  
“I know please come as soon as you can.”  
“Alright I will as soon as I get back.”  
“Thank you, see you then.” He says  
The phone goes dead. I look at Steve.  
“It looks like I’m going home. Our doctor wants to see me right away.”  
Steve smiles. “Good he’ll sort this out.”  
“I hope so.” My soul is heavy leaving this behind but, it was the right thing to do.   
The flight home seemed so long but in reality it took the usual amount of time. It’s early afternoon and I am standing in the middle of Steve’s lonely apartment. I change and take a cab to see the doctor. He is more than happy to see me but worried as well. I try reading him as during our last visit something was off with his behavior. He greets me in the back and orders me to disrobe and sit on the examination table. I do. He begins with questions and I tell him everything I know leading up to the realization that the serum wasn’t working. He sits pondering on the stool in front of me.   
“Are you interested in more serum injections?” He asks  
“Of course!” I answer  
He nods. “Ms. Monroe it might not take.”  
“I understand.”   
He pulls out his tray and steps out of the rooms. He returns with a bottle and a syringe. He begins the injections again and I again can’t watch. I count. He gives me more shots than I am used to.   
He sighs. “Call me if it doesn’t work. Call me if it does.” He says with a shrug. I don’t like his reaction to the treatment. I want him to be sure it’s going to work but that may be asking for too much.   
At the apartment I shower washing away the antiseptic and a few bits of blood. I pour myself a glass of wine and settle on the couch hoping to end this day. My nerves don’t let me. They are on point at all times waiting for a change, a feeling that would let me know my body was reacting. I received several texts from Steve and one from Sam getting in a jab about leaving the fun. I have no news for Steve and he has none for me. Ally and I text through the day. She reports she wishes to be with me but SHIELD won’t let her right now. They are concerned a threat has found their location which in turn means they may have found hers. She enjoys her training much more than I did though she wasn’t going to be a “superhero.” I’m sure she was better as well. She excelled in everything so much more than I. My time was taken up by my concern for her well being. I had no time for anything else. Now she is being protected by someone else and I have no serum if this doesn’t take I will work harder. Train harder. I can do it. I can be strong fast and still be a superhero. Even if it seems I have a death wish it won’t hold me back. This is the first time in life I feel like I have a purpose and not just fulfilling sisterly duties. I will do it and I will succeed.   
Finally well after midnight I fall asleep on the couch. I wake up and immediately touch my arms and my stomach. Nothing. No change. I look at the clock. It had only been a couple of hours but I should see something. Some sort of change, shouldn’t I? I sigh and stand finding my way to the bedroom. On the bed I fall exhausted, fully stressed from the day.   
I wake and the sun is shining and I haven’t changed. I cry in my bed alone for an hour or so. I pull myself together, shower, and leave finding a place to shove breakfast in my mouth. I sit at a café drinking coffee head down, hoodie up. I tell myself I’ll be a badass tomorrow. I’m going to sulk today. I walk the city watching the people wishing I was with my friends finding comfort in them. Finally I find my way home. In my depression I decided to leave my phone at home. So many messages fill the screen. I turn the phone off and sit on the couch staring into nothing. The nothing comforted me for a short time until I became angry. I got up and I left. I bolted from the apartment like something was chasing me. I ran feeling the cool air hitting my face and it felt good. It felt refreshing. I needed it. It was real and a feeling and when the ache in my body began, that felt good too. When my lungs felt like they were about to collapse I smiled. This is how my life was to be but I would push through. The pain was nothing. Death would be an option but whatever it was I was working towards nothing would stand in my way.   
Back at the apartment. I turned the phone on and while it booted up I jumped in the shower. I felt alive for the first time in a long time. A smile was plastered on my face. A new me. A new time. What a time! With my hair wrapped in a towel and a towel around my body I stepped out of the shower and picked up the phone. There were so many messages and voicemails. A few were from James and more were from Steve. I listened to Steve’s last voicemail.  
“Sam! Tony found Dr. Banner. Bucky has his memory back! Call me Sam. We’ve been trying to reach you. James wants to talk to you.” His urgent voice spoke the words I had been waiting to hear. In shock I dropped the phone and it fell about. I bent down with a heaving chest and grabbed the pieces. My legs were wobbling. I needed to sit down. In my haste I dropped the phone again on the way to the couch. I sat down with shaking hands pushed the battery in place. My head only raced with the thoughts “My James!” As I was snapping the cover back on the phone I heard a voice in the room with me. I look across the darkened room to see the man I hoped to never see again, unless he was in a casket.   
“Hello Sam. Was it good news or bad news?” Pierce’s voice poisoned my ears.  
I said no words only stared in his direction. He returned the same cold stare. Silence passed through us like the cold on a December morning.   
“You look so unhappy to see me dear.” He chuckled. “I’ll get to the point. I think you have something of mine. I want it back.”  
I snort.  
“Again I am to the point. No games Ms. Monroe. We’ll take you instead. I have trained a soldier before I’ll do it again.”  
We? The taser hits me in the back of my head. I do not black out instantly. So much training over time has gotten me stronger. I am only proud of myself long enough to be hit again by another pair of hands. I stand uneasily but grabbed the lamp near me and swing at the closest movement in the corner of my eye. It connects and I hear a curse. The door bursts open and a man in pulling in a young blonde woman enters. She is frantic and trying to get away from him.   
“I tried to stop them.” She shouts apologizing to me.   
I have no idea who she is. My eyes are averted to her a moment too long and I am struck again. This time it knocks me down and I’m hit again. My cheek slams the hardwood of the apartment floor. I feel like I’m floating. Dammit! I’m unconscious.


End file.
